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By Jim Ferriman, January 28, 2011

What is comparative deniability?  Good question.  It’s a term that I invented to explain a psychological phenomenon I see so frequently among humans and is especially common in relationships.  Let me set the record straight, I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist.  I am merely an astute observer of human nature that stems from my fascination with people and their odd behaviors … mine included.  Plus, as a writer, it’s easier to develop a piece if I actually pay attention to those around me.

Anyway, back to the question – what is comparative deniability?  Comparative deniability is when you accept something less than what you truly want because it is better than what you had.  Did you get that?  The key points being “accepting less”, “truly want”, and “better than past”.  Let me say this again, comparative deniability is when you accept something less than what you truly want because it is better than what you had.  For example, have you ever been in a relationship that ended up being awful and the next one was great in comparison yet still not very good … or at least not what you ultimately want?  It’s so easy to accept someone simply because they are better.

Our society is fueled by improvement and advancement regardless of the cost.  Don’t get me wrong, I agree with improvement.  The word “improve” has such a positive ring to it.  Why wouldn’t you want to better yourself?  It’s certainly much better to improve than to stick with someone, or something, that doesn’t satisfy you.  Unfortunately improvement is a double-edged sword.  The mere fact of improving indicates migrating to something better, but at what point is it enough to be happy with what you have?  It is a delicate balance that only you can determine.  Just be sure not to settle on something before you are ultimately ready.

Settling before you’re ready is not good.  How many times have you heard someone, or you yourself, rationalize a relationship by comparing it to previous worse relationships.  It might be better, but is it the best for you?  If you settle prematurely, it will eventually catch up with you in the long run because your heart will continue to search for that which is truly meaningful.  And think of the time you’ve spent distracted in an improved, or settled, relationship that prevented you from finding that special someone.  At the very least, taking a break every once in a while for self-reflection is a healthy practice.  With patience and a full understanding of what you are looking for in a relationship, you’ll be better armed to find someone that can allow you to attain a more complete happiness.

As with many human issues, I think the key to solving them comes from understanding.  Once you understand the concept of comparative deniability and can learn to recognize when it is happening, then you can prevent yourself from falling into an unhealthy cycle of constantly falling short on your desires and aspirations.  It’s okay to pause, or take a step backward, to take a step forward … in the “right” direction.

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By Jim Ferriman, January 28, 2011

Always observing from high above,
Revealed only in the darkest hours,
Comforted by your guiding light,
I navigate troubling waters,
To paradise on the distant horizon.